I think I've mentioned it before but I have had a difficult time adjusting to living in the city. I am mainly just over worked, stressed, exhausted, and generally hungry. All of this make a stressed out crabby mean Beatriz. and if the smallest thing happens like for example my aural skills teacher calls on me to sight sing an example built on major sixths for the class after witnessing my midterm attempts on this and being upset that i couldn't do it even though i've been working everyday kind of puts me over the edge of stressed out and i walk around trying to find a park eating a non vegan cinnamon bun because finding a vegan one near 125 is hard and my eyes watery from shame and stress of never being good enough.
Normally this kind of thing wouldn't effect me, I had been behind in orlando but i pushed to be better. I push here to but it doesn't feel the same.
I feel empty here, alone (aside from my wonderful husband but at school i am alone), unmotivated (i still haven't decided on a solo piece for the semester, or chosen any pieces for my recital), and just sadder than I have ever felt.
I don't feel like this everyday, somedays I am my normal happy self skipping down cross walks and smiling at the people I pass , but i feel like the worse days are just adding to each other and every new bad day is worse than before. ( see story above about the cinnamon bun!) So Chris suggested I take a mental health day from work last night, and it really did help. I feel so refreshed! I am up and blogging. I practiced 3 hours last night! 3!!! I've been averaging 1 and 1/2 a day. which is nothing and generally saturdays and fridays because of my work schedule I get maybe half an hour in. Once i start playing ( on a good reed day) i feel the stress leave my body.
I need to find a way to get more practice hours in and to get some oboe lessons so i can quit this job or at least only work one day a week. I work 5pm to 4 am fridays and saturdays... i go directly from school fridays get home hopefully by 5, last friday i didn't get home until 6:30, then i wake up saturday around 3 get ready, maybe I practice a little than i go right back to work.
I think this is why I feel so behind. This is the factor that I need gone so I can mentally relax from school and push ahead.
But I think this is where I make the turn around from being a sad stressed lady, to feeling good about myself again and start really pushing to be creative, happy, musician. This is hopefully the last stressed/sad post on here but i feel like i said that last year and here it is. But at least for the next year I am going to be more positive. and I will probably be posting some positive things weekly, such as things that made me happy this week, or photos of recently loved things and whatever else would make me happy. so..
Here are some photos of recently loved NYC things.
|finding an open practice room with a mirror and a view!|
|walking out of my apartment and seeing my block. <3 td="">3>|
|this feature on my RT!|
|watching my husband work and getting some free drinks|
|fall date days (sundays)|
|seeing my first live met production- Two Boys by Nico Muhly|
|our "The doctor and River Song" couple costume|
|the views from school|
|the 125 train stop.|