Monday, December 23, 2013

i started a new blog.
i am not to sure why, but i felt i wanted a fresh start.
you can find it here


Saturday, November 2, 2013

the turn around

I think I've mentioned it before but I have had a difficult time adjusting to living in the city. I am mainly just over worked, stressed, exhausted, and generally hungry. All of this make a stressed out crabby mean Beatriz. and if the smallest thing happens like for example my aural skills teacher calls on me to sight sing an example built on major sixths for the class after witnessing my midterm attempts on this and being upset that i couldn't do it even though i've been working everyday kind of puts me over the edge of stressed out and i walk around trying to find a park eating a non vegan cinnamon bun because finding a vegan one near 125 is hard and my eyes watery from shame and stress of never being good enough.
Normally this kind of thing wouldn't effect me, I had been behind in orlando but i pushed to be better. I push here to but it doesn't feel the same.
I feel empty here, alone (aside from my wonderful husband but at school i am alone), unmotivated (i still haven't decided on a solo piece for the semester, or chosen any pieces for my recital), and just sadder than I have ever felt.
I don't feel like this everyday, somedays I am my normal happy self skipping down cross walks and smiling at the people I pass , but i feel like the worse days are just adding to each other and every new bad day is worse than before. ( see story above about the cinnamon bun!) So Chris suggested I take a mental health day from work last night, and it really did help. I feel so refreshed! I am up and blogging. I practiced 3 hours last night! 3!!! I've been averaging 1 and 1/2 a day. which is nothing and generally saturdays and fridays because of my work schedule I get maybe half an hour in. Once i start playing ( on a good reed day) i feel the stress leave my body.
I need to find a way to get more practice hours in and to get some oboe lessons so i can quit this job or at least only work one day a week. I work 5pm to 4 am fridays and saturdays... i go directly from school fridays get home hopefully by 5, last friday i didn't get home until 6:30, then i wake up saturday around 3 get ready, maybe I practice a little than i go right back to work.
I think this is why I feel so behind. This is the factor that I need gone so I can mentally relax from school and push ahead.

But I think this is where I make the turn around from being a sad stressed lady, to feeling good about myself again and start really pushing to be creative, happy, musician. This is hopefully the last stressed/sad post on here but i feel like i said that last year and here it is. But at least for the next year I am going to be more positive. and I will probably be posting some positive things weekly, such as things that made me happy this week, or photos of recently loved things and whatever else would make me happy. so..

Here are some photos of recently loved NYC things.
finding an open practice room with a mirror and a view!

walking out of my apartment and seeing my block. <3 td="">

this feature on my RT! 

watching my husband work and getting some free drinks

Neighborhood cats

fall date days (sundays)

seeing my first live met production- Two Boys by Nico Muhly

our "The doctor and River Song" couple costume

the views from school

the 125 train stop.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

it has been a long almost 3 months with no internet and finally we can afford it excited to never have to go to starbucks again

here I am laying on my red couch and blogging from my wonderfully messy apartment:)
The area where I live isn't like most of Manhattan were there is a starbucks on every corner, I had a good hike up hill for at least 10 minutes to get to some wifi. so this is a much added relief.
hopefully I blog more frequently and start my youtube series on ferling back up:)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

hell week

This week has been so insane and its only half over.
I have multiple rehearsals a day and more work to be done at night. my planning has been off and I feel like I have no idea what's going on.
I've had to reschedule work twice because I kept forgetting what rehearsals I had at night.
I work tonight till 2 am but thankfully my morning class has been cancelled because an optional ceremony for our president is happening at the same time.
so my first class is at 12 tomorrow and I can get a little extra sleep.
that's really the only reason why this is such a hellish week.
I am exhausted and am not able to sleep in. the days just keep dragging on and I love what I am doing but the lack of sleep and food is killing it for me.
After this week I can handle anything:)

Luckily Ralph Marston's twitter keeps sending notifications on my phone (even though I disabled twitter notifications) because his posts this week have been on point and have helped me get through rehearsals and classes.
Maybe my phone knows what is best.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I am the worst...

Hi again!

I am the worst at updating. life has been getting super crazy here.
I am opening up to the idea that NYC is my new home (at least for the next few years).
Who knows, eventually I might love it here and want to stay.. seems unlikely but I don't know what the future will be like.
Also school is awesome, there are still some things I don't like that I thought I could get away from, like immature students in rehearsals, people who dot know what they want to do, and just people who are rude to others who are trying to be better. but I guess those sort of things are everywhere in life and I just need to get used to avoiding it.
My schedule is really picking up this week with two large ensembles and two chamber groups to work on this week. so many rehearsals!! :) hopefully it stays like this for the rest of the semester!
I have also been working at this Mexican restaurant/ bar on weekends near my school. I love it, my co workers are so nice and I get to work on my conversational Spanish a lot since most of my co-workers done speak English:) super authentic. Its also starting to get cool here and I am looking forward to seeing my first real fall where the leaves change and you can feel summer leaving.
I still really miss my family, I wish I wasn't so bad at keeping in contact with people. I really am the worst.
I still kind of feel like an outsider living here though in pretty much every aspect of living here. I don't feel like I am good enough for this school, I guess I am though I got accepted and got a scholarship to be here but I just feel awkward and like my playing isn't good enough. I cant wait until I don't feel this way anymore. Even in theory I feel like this, especially aural skills, I got into grad 2 for both testing out of the first of each but I'm just so bad at it, like I cant hear intervals or complete my melodic dictations and fixed do took me a little to long to get used to..
I'm sure this will all get better by the end of the semester, I just need to toughen up.

If you were watching my ferling youtube videos. I still don't have internet at home to record and upload videos (school and starbucks are super slow). I'll be getting internet this month so i should be back to it soon:):)

also i got a surface rt to take to school and do work, which means I can update the blog more often.
this little thing is awesome.


Nadia and me from the other night. :)
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