Thursday, September 1, 2011

Depression setting in.

Im not the kind of person who gets depressed. I get sad and get over it and try to move on i always thought it was some made up condition. But i feel lately that my spirit is getting crushed. That maybe i am just not good enough and cant meet anyone standards. i don't know maybe i am week minded. but for the past few days i just cant shake this feeling. I work hard and do the best that I can everyday. maybe i don't always make it to class on time and maybe the lack of food in my day keeps me from focusing 100%. but I'm broke what can i do i rummage up the most money i can find to get some gas so I can make it to school and back which leaves me no money to buy food in the day. I don't like asking my parents for money because I feel like I'm to old for that. so I do my best. maybe I make up to many excuses. but yesterday was just awful on my self esteem and yesterday the lovebird I've had since i was 8 died. I helped take care of this bird from the day it was born. I received his parents as babies on my 5th birthday which was lion king themed and named them Mufasa and Siarabi ( Simba's parents). His original name was Zazu but as i got older my dad slowly changed it to Fransisco. I know he was a bird and all but I feel like I've lost a member of my family and a link to my childhood.
Here I am right now. defeated. This morning didn't help. I finally asked my parents for help with money i needed a decal so i could park on campus so i left the house a little late because there was online paperwork and needed their card info to pay. I didn't have enough time to pick up the decal and park before class so I parked across the street at a strip mall and walked as fast as i could across campus to class. Drenched in sweat I finally find a way into the building that is under construction ( I had to ask the workers how to get in) and got into class 11 minutes late and the TA tells me oh I'm sorry you are more then 10 minutes late you will not get credit for this lab but you are more then welcome to sit and go through the lab for practice. I just left. I bought my decal walked all the way back to my car and parked on campus. I think I sat in my car and cried for about 10 minutes out of frustration. I just feel so defeated by life. I actually feel slightly better after writing this. Like good enough to go practice some oboe. I'm really hoping that I can get out of this funk today. I'm ready to stop this and get my life back to normal. Its about time i get recognized for something I do so I'm going to make it happen.
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