Thursday, January 20, 2011


Since school has started back up i've been a little to busy to post anything. Even now i'm just getting home devouring a bowl or cupcake/cocoa pebbles waiting for my oboe cane to soak so i can hopefully make some working reeds to present to my teacher at my lesson tomorrow. being busy is kinda nice though and this semester has me pretty excited. I'm having feelings that i thought i might have lost. for instance i've been really inspired. i cant even remember the last time i was inspired it might have been 6th grade when i started playing the oboe that i was truly wholeheartedly inspired. but lately i want to find gigs, network, compose (i've never wanted to compose), practice like crazy, i even want to start reading up on music history to the point where i'm bummed that i don't have more time. on the other hand im also experiencing a fear of my mortality. what's going to happen to me when i die. you know? i was pretty certain i was going to be ok, i was always afraid of death( not in a crazy way) but now i'm worried about what's going to happen to me after. this is all on account of some individual who thought oh look at this girl politely reading her book let me put the fear of god in her so she'll want to join my church. i had to let this person speak i couldn't refuse it and be rude but maybe i'm to polite. i feel that i am a good person i've done some wrong but i remember and fix it but apparently that isn't good enough because being human means i'm automatically going to hell unless i repent. i dunno i'm confused about this whole situation. but what's bothering me is why wasn't i told about this sooner and why would god want to shoot fiery arrows at me because i got upset at someone even if i never expressed that anger. like i think if this was gonna happen someone would have mentioned it in mass or mention it in sunday school or classes for communion or confirmation. maybe i'm just over reacting. it didn't really effect me at first i was confused and i guess i still am. i just wished this person didn't speak to me and try and convince me i'm going to hell. that she be on the code of conduct or something i will not try and convince my classmates that they are going to hell before class because it mostly ruined my woodwind pedagogy and lit class i could just feel this individual judging me.
i maybe put more emphasis on the mortality feeling then the inspired one but i'm definitely feeling more inspired then afraid. i really am excited about this semester i have great classes they are all interesting my professors are wonderful and i have a recital this semester. i feel like this is my chance to start doing big things and to get my career moving:) i want to be an all around artist and i feel like i can do it.
p.s. another feeling i haven't felt in a while real self worth. but its back.
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