So this wednesday instead of working super hard I finished reading the book Mozart in the Jungle; Sex, Drugs, and Classical music.The book was written by Blair Tinadall and it explains her journey trying to make it as a professional oboist but eventually hating it and the life she was living, she has trouble getting back into school because of her conservatory education which just focuses on music and not a general education. I don't want to reveal to much of the book but it really effected me. Her situation doesn't really relate to mine i highly doubt I'm going to sleep with a bunch of musicians and burn a lot of bridges that way but I don't want to reach 40 and feel like I hate my life or feel that I made the wrong choice.
I love what I do, I love the oboe and I don't want to lose that love so I have to change some things.
Step 1: Have more fun. It sounds stupid but I'm always so busy, to busy to have fun. I need hours of solitary practice, hours of ensemble practice, time to write my never ending papers and other work, time to spend with my boo, and make it home by my 11p.m. curfew.( oh yeah)
It is this daily routine of never stopping that makes you sit and wonder what do normal people do all day? Yea, they work but they are done by 5ish usually at least the 9-5 people. but they get to relax there mind spend time with there families, cook, play with there dog or cat, go to the park, see a movie.. just endless amount of things people can do with there time. sometimes i get a bit envious(bad trait,sorry).
So to have more fun I need to set limits on work in my day 2-3 hours oboe practice,30 minutes on reeds, 15 to 30 minutes on every assignment , rehearsals and classes i can't manage, and the rest of my time I will read, talk to friends, work on other skills, see my boo, play with my dog ,and do whatever else makes me happy.
Step 2:Stay positive and believe in my self. For me this is so hard to do. I've fallen into a hole of self doubt and it is so hard to climb back out. It is really hard to believe in yourself in this profession, ,maybe any profession but i only know this. It often feels like you aren't improving, like the hours aren't paying off. So you start think maybe there is something wrong with me or maybe I'm not good enough or I'm wasting my time. For me this happens quite a bit usually in cycles, for example every few weeks i'll feel wonderful about everything, then nothing happens for a week, the week after feels like I'm actually regressing on the instrument, and then BAM another good week. But during those not so good weeks I feel awful like my whole mood depends on my practice and when my practice is bad my mood saddens and the days get longer and I feel like a waste.
I need to be more positive or I won't make it.
If this doesn't change I wont be any different than the musicians in the book.
It will not be an easy journey but if I am good to myself I can do it.
I need to be my biggest fan.
And Step 3: I need to learn to Relax and let life happen. Only the people who know me really well know my tendency to panic over things I have no control over. a few examples of things i have stressed over in my past are death, aliens( you never know), robbers murderers and other bad people, other peoples thoughts.. the list goes on, just know I am a worrier. To succeed in life I need to let go and relax, all the worrying i have done probably hasn't effected anything, staying up worrying about aliens destroying the world doesn't help me or the world, I just lose sleep. I can't be afraid of meeting new people and experiencing knew things just because something bad might happen. Its about time i face my fears stop worrying and just do what I want.
I have to live a little or my life is going to be dull. How can you be creative and dull at the same time?
This was a little long and a bit rambly (it is a word on urban dictionary) but i feel like i needed to write these thoughts out. and check out the book i was kind of upset at first while reading it, I'm a big hater on stories infidelity and stuff like that, but it was a great read.
Do you have any inhibitions?